Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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