Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I have aggressive nipples.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
