Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize