God, you're like boner-b-gone
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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