Betty ford says i'm here all night
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
