I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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