your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
