A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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