I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
My vagina is officially offended.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
