every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
