just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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