I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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