I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
