I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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