do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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