this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
