Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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