Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
