Plan B is the new Plan A
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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