I wish I could punch you in the face.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
