I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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