Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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