do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
