hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
