why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
