This is not my ceiling
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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