can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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