I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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