No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
