Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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