this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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