Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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