Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
