he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
