Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
