walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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