i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
