someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
