Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
