You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
My balls are so social today.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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