Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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