Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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