Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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