my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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