just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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