I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
