i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Found the puke drawer
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
