we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
we're so committed to being not committed
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
