dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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