i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
