put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
