I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
