Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
