i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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