I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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