Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
