I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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