I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
