Little spoons don't ask big questions
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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