And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
