hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
