When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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